How to Write a Poem

1. Get Inspired
Inspiration strikes at the oddest moments. The commonest one being when you're in the shower or going about your morning business. Once you're inspired enough, think about the theme of your poem. What would you like it to be - happy, sad, manic-depressive, exuberant, funny, satirical or descriptive. Once you've narrowed down the theme, you have to finalise the actual event, person or thing you want to write about.

2. Be sad
Sadness is the biggest catalyst for the creation of art. Whether it be painting, literature, music or dance, it all stems from anguish and pathos, at least that's what I've heard. So, prick your finger if you have to or pick a fight, anything that twinges enough for your to write about.

3. Write on Paper
The charm of crinkly paper is subdued by the tap-tapping of computers now a days. Take a step back into the last millennium and write your poems in hand made paper with a fountain pen. Your poem's evolution will be recorded forever, down to the last spelling mistake and your thoughts which are safe from the 'delete' button. Also, imagine somebody finding it years later in your attic filled with dust- quite a relic for your descendants.

4. Signature mark
A signature, to be distinguished, needs to be incomprehensible. A scrawl of ink and a dash is all you need in the name of a signature. It must seem like an impatient afterthought as though you forgot to write your name and couldn't be bothered by it. In addition, if you make it terribly untidy and unpredictable, there are very few chances of your sign being forged.

5. Rhyme...or not to rhyme
OK, a poem is a poem and free-verse is the third generation of poems. Some people find it very difficult to rhyme and end up destroying it by trying to match awkward sounding words. So, keep it simple or complicated or whatever you want, it's your baby. It it, however, important to know where to draw the line between bizarre and ridiculous. But that's the best part about art, you can be both. 

How to tell a Story

1. Remember it
Ah, the number of times I have started to tell a story just to discover that its finer points escape my memory. The key to telling a good story is to remember it. There is nothing more annoying for an audience that being made to jog after the dangling carrot only to find it half eaten. Therefore, do not eat up parts of your anecdote or story. If you cant remember it, forget it.

2. Stop Laughing
Another faux pas is to start laughing uncontrollably even before you narrate the tale, however hilarious. You fill find that the audience is laughing at you laughing, rather than the incomprehensible stream of babble you might have let loose in the name of a joke. Finish laughing first and then proceed else the effect will be dampening.

3. Punchline disasters
A screwed up punch line is like a punch on the face, but not quite. It's like drinking punch without any sugar. It is the most important part of any story and to ruin it requires very less effort on your part. Do not rush it, nor plod your way to the ending with the sleepiness of a mule driven cart.

4. Timeline
This is an interesting bit. Do you like epics? Now, what are views on epic failure, the term doing vigorous rounds on the internet these days? Surely, you would be loath to associate your tale with this unflattering term. One way to ensure it does not happen is to keep your story under 45 minutes of run-time. If you find people getting up for a bit of fresh air or snacks or emergency washroom visits and not returning, the worst has happened.

5. One time too many
So, ever been subjected to the cruelty of hearing a story every time you meet somebody? Ever felt like finishing their sentences for them because they have narrated it more times than is humanly bearable? Ever thought you might be that loser? I know I have. It's really difficult to accept that something so incredibly funny or brilliant must be relegated to the back shelf and not brought out every time you have friends over. As unbelievable as it may sound, only your best friends will hear your tale with the same enthusiasm when you regaled it to them for the first time. The rest my dear, frankly don't give a damn. 

How to Clean your Room

1. Blog about it
Let's be realistic. If a sneeze makes it to your facebook status, an event like spring cleaning surely merits an entire blog. So, after tormenting your friends with obsessing over your imminent clean-up, writing about it on facebook, twitter, etc, you might as well go the mile and write a blog about it. It can be a series beginning with the exact moment you decided that your room needed hauling up. You may end it with your final battle against disorderliness ending in your victory


2. Do you need to do it?
There are times when you need to clean your room, and there are times when you want to do it. If this realisation strikes you thee months after the last bout of cleaning, then you definitely need to get cracking. However, if you feel like washing the curtains because they look more beige than off-white, you surely need a break. Take the day off and indulge in some retail therapy.

3. Recruit help
A Herculean task it is that you have undertaken. A task best tackled with friends or family who will push you, hound you and generally trouble you until the mission is accomplished. Pick the most neurotic ones. They tend to take over and start doing the work themselves. A little snappish behaviour is to be expected - but hey...your room gets cleaned!

3. Make a playlist
One of the most important add-ons, music. Without it nothing has rhythm, nothing has the right flow or beat. Everything becomes so much more easier when you have music accompanying you. And for this kind particular endeavour, a peppy something would be perfect. You want to select tunes which make you want to do a jig; anything that compels you to be on your feet and move around. Also, it's a perfect ploy to procrastinate without feeling guilty.

4. Tackling your wardrobe
The wardrobe that must not be named, opened or seen, lest heaps of clothing fall on your poor head! Seeing as I have a wealth of experience in this field, let me tell you one thing. Emptying your wardrobe onto your bed, your roommates's bed, the couch or the floor does not count as cleaning it. It just seems clean because it's empty. The real challenge is stuffing it back in. Good luck with that, because thinking about it gives me the heebies jeebies!

5. Sweeping the rug
The dust needs to go right out- into the dustpan, inside the dustbin and far far away from under the rug, behind the bed and bookshelves. Dusting is the best part about cleaning up. Everything becomes shiny, although you run a risk of having bouts of sneezing. And Collins, the greatest boon ever given to us, is your best friend. It cleans everything! And smells great too! The refrigerator, table-tops, telephone, glass panes, everything just needs a spray of Collin to look sparkly again.

Happy Cleaning!

How to avoid an Intervention

1. Run
Run like the wind as soon as you get an inkling of your impending intervention. There is no shame in hiding out in your office or that cupboard under the stairs. The problem is that you can't run forever and the success of this solution depends on how fast you can run or the speed of your friends. Once caught, it is pointless to attempt an escape. You might as well suck it up and allow yourself to be led into it.

2. Avoidance and Denial
Deny everything till your very last breath. Refusing to accept something point blank ensures people stop caring enough to hold interventions for you. This method takes a lot of time and perseverance. Breaking down is not an option. You may try and avoid your friends for a little while until their enthusiasm subsides. It takes practice and general heartlessness to keep up the stream of denials. Locking yourself in your room also works.

3. Agree with everything
The scope of an animated discussion/verbal fight or otherwise, promptly diminishes if you agree with everything the interventioners have to say. Ready agreement will cut them off before they get all worked up. A nip in the bud saves a whole day of headache.

4. Reverse Psychology
Tough Love can be very tough indeed. How much of it can you take? A great way of avoiding a concentrated dose is to throw everything back at the interventioners. Make it all about them instead of you. Or you could just pick on one person until you have successfully put him or her on the hot seat while you make your cool escape. Defensiveness is the biggest turn off and the best modus operandi. It hardly ever fails. Again, success depends on your underhandedness and the obstinacy of your friends.

5. Hide the food
Without food and beverages these things tend to run out of steam. It is difficult to make a point on an empty stomach. Deprive your well wishers of food and beverages and watch the magic. At best it will be a half-hour limp talk before everybody disperses to hunt for food. Its simple, no sustenance, no substance. It will be too easy to flip them off once you cut off the food supply.