How to survive a Robot Revolution

1. Be Will Smith

Being Will Smith grants you immunity from Robot revolutions, zombie attacks as well as alien invasions. He does well in extreme situations of the life and death kinds. His superb fighting skills and bad-ass attitude instantly repel death by the above mentioned entities. However, be prepared for some hair-raising rides in cars and motorbikes and jokes while you're being shot at or pummeled to death.

Side effects include drooling (over him) and a lot of cuts and scratches from car chases and various entanglements with the robots.



2. Be a mad genius scientist

There are two possible kinds of scientific genius, one that creates the robots and hence knows their one weakness that will permanently defeat the rogue robots; and the other that creates the robots and is recognised as their lord and master, and therefore will be safe from any bodily harm by his creation.

Side effects: being assassinated by the humans who naturally want you dead for creating the monstrosity that is ravaging humanity.


3. Be a Terminator

This terminator will be a sure fire survivor of any catastrophe, including an apocalypse. He is meant to beat up bad people, robotic or otherwise, with little or no expressions on his face. If you are into black shades and leather jackets, he is the perfect person to be or have by your side in a robot revolution. And absolutely everybody wants to be able to say "Asta la vista...baby" at some point or the other in their lives.

Side effects : chronic expressionless-ness.

4. Befriend Aliens

 E.T, Aliens in the attic and Koi Mil Gaya demonstrate how being friendly with aliens is one of the smartest things you can ever do. You get to have super powers if you are really lucky. The war on robots will be a piece of cake with an alien by your side. Some believe that alien technology is light years ahead of human technology. Those human made robots won't stand a chance against imported (from space) androids. Side effects: I don't know, just pray you don't sprout antennae on your head or that your friendly alien does not become too friendly and carry you off for a jaunt in outer space. 

5. Build a Time Machine

 

A time machine is the perfect solution to life's many problems. Simply turn the dial back to the day the first robot was created. Do the needful - burn, break, destroy that fledgling of an idea. You will have the advantage of having foresight, rather, the hindsight of knowing what exactly went wrong and where. While you're at it, put baby Hitler in a monastery, stalk J K Rowling as she writes Harry Potter, gatecrash the sets of Star Wars and take a picture of you with Hans Solo and...well...you get my drift. Have a party!

Side effects : Dizziness and emergence of fortune telling skills. 

How to Plan an Intervention

1. Have a point
Do you have a point? Or is your point is to antagonise someone? It is not very nice to paint your friend's/acquaintance's flaws on a banner and wave it in his or her living room. So, make a point and make it about something that is genuinely harmful for that person or society. For instance, feeding stray dogs is not necessarily the scary task you imagine it to be; allowing them to follow you back home is.

2. Write a Slogan
It should be something catchy and short. Something you can sing, chant, dance or rap. Who knows, it might gain popularity in the neighbourhood (perfect for wannabe writers/poets). You want to avoid long winded names that read like a tongue-twisters. Nobody wants to make THAT much of an effort to drive the point home.

3. Make a banner
A visual aid is like the lemon in a lemonade. It can be handmade, painted, printed or scrawled. As long as it jumps down the throat of the person it is intended for, the job is well done. A pen is mightier than a sword. And when that pen writes in bold, caps and size 125, it strikes hard.

4. Buy popcorn and drinks
Now, this will take some time, you could be cooped up in a room for hours without being able to go about your usual business. Therefore, if you're taking an off anyways, might as well stock up on food and drinks. There will be a lot of talking, a little shouting and some running around. Hence, sustenance is essential.

5. Plan a getaway
All in all, the intervention should go smoothly. The operative word being 'should'. The people intervening are always in the danger of being punched/kicked/clobbered by the intervened. It makes sense to have all your exit routes committed to memory and have a rehearsal of a quick getaway before the actual intervention begins. You never know, a few seconds can buy you a lifetime of evasion and half truths about that ill-fated intervention.

How to ride a scooter + A Dummy's guide to Kick starting

The scooter in question has to be one without gears and preferably light. If you want to learn how to ride a motor bike read another blog. This one is strictly for beginners who failed to learn to ride when their friends or siblings were already taking out(sneaking) the family two-wheeler.

1. Sitting Right
The journey from being a pillion to a rider is not as difficult as it seems. Nor is it as easy as you imagine it to be. For instance, you want to try hopping onto it, instead of swinging your leg over the seat. Apart from being totally needless, it also makes you look like a pseudo-biker. In addition it is fatal for anybody standing behind you. A kick to the jaw will render you devoid of any pillion rider for months; more importantly, it will render you friendless.

2. Getting it Straight
Once you have mastered the skill of seating yourself appropriately on the scooter, the next step is is to hold the vehicle in an upright position. You place your hands on the handles and kick back the side stand making sure that the bike's weight does not fall on the opposite side. Although, its better do not take its weight upon yourself. In the first case it will fall on the other side. But fall it will. In the second instance, unless you have really quick reflexes, prepare to find yourself under the bike.

3. Kick Starting
Starting up takes less than a minute. Push the start button, rev a little and you are good to go. On the off chance that it does not start that way, try kick starting it. Now, there are several reasons why your bike would need kick starting.
It's senile - Is it a relic from your family's past? If yes, then over a period of time it will cough up a few problems.
It's cold - Leaving the scooter outside during the monsoon or winters will render the motor cold. It also happens when you have not ridden it for a long time.

Kick starting for Dummies :

Only a real expert is able to kick start the bike in one go. A pro can do that without putting it on the main stand. You my novice, just hope your bike doesn't stall just before the traffic light turns green.

(a) Put is on the main stand (refer point 9 below)
(b) Rest a little - An activa or a kinetic Honda is heavy, catch your breath after the 10 minutes you spent on the task, after which you ask a passer by to - "please please, can you help me put it on main stand. It's just too heavy".
(c) Have some water - You're sure to be out of breath after explaining in length to that hapless passer by as to why you can't do it on your own.
(d) Start kicking - Do not randomly nudge the pedal...kick..thingy. It has to be done with force and with a jerk. Keep at it until it starts.
If you are able to follow the steps a to d as is, then congratulations be to you. But wait, the last step remains. Refer to point 9 again.

4. Acquiring a ride
One hopes that you are an adult, i.e., 18 years or older in order to avail of the knowledge presented in this blog. There are several ways in which you can get hold of a scooter. The best option is to ask your mom or dad. Nothing works better than a whiny kid who refuses to take the bus to college or cites expense as an opposition to hiring an auto rickshaw. Be sure to tell them that it will be used only to go to college and back. Omit all those side trips to the movies where you went after bunking a class, or a late night jaunt. You may try to coax and cajole a friend to let you ride his/hers, but it's generally a bad idea to do so all the time. Those lucky enough to stay at home, its a peace of cake. Pinch the keys and take off. Warning : your parents will be waiting at the door when you get back. There's no way you can hide this from them. Just ask in the first place.

5. Licence to ... ride
The red tape in our country would make up for a year's worth of Christmas packaging and then some. Try not to be too much of a simpleton and browse through your phone-book for somebody who can get you a license in less than a month. You could approach agents but refrain from paying through your nose and save for the helmet you will need once you begin riding. It is mandatory for you to get a learner's licence first.

6. Prepare, Practice, Palpitate
As preparation, ask a friend to accompany you as you take your scooter for a ride around your colony or any deserted areas. Avoid places where biker groups gather to practice stunts. The very sight will be so traumatic that it will erode any confidence you might have had. Not very helpful when you are about to embark in a scooter riding venture. Practice makes perfect. Practice might save you from your first fall. It's smart to learn a few choice phrases of the vernacular kind while dealing with smart-mouthed motorists. Avoid engaging in an actual fight and keep the motor running in case you are compelled to execute a prompt getaway.

7. Helmet Hair Woes
Those tresses, long or short, look windblown and scraggly while riding without a helmet. Surprised? You would have though exactly the opposite to be true. False! The helmet keeps your hair in place and prevents dust, dirt, bird poop or spittle (red or otherwise) flying from the bus next to you from landing on your head.  Refrain from going too fast over speed breakers. These old rides do not have shock absorbers. So, every shock will be absorbed by you instead. This is not very good for your bones or back or hair.

8. Gearing up
Any venture is incomplete with a head to toe ensemble compiled specifically for that activity. A 'Cool Rider', going by the words(song) by Michelle Pfeiffer in Grease 2 is very much preferred by everybody. Just like Olivia Newton John's black leather get up in Grease paved way for a whole new wave of riding gear, it will do you good to remember you are not Sandy. Nor do black leather pants, jacket, headband, gloves and boots flatter anybody, unless it's a gimmick and you stand to earn lots through that. There is absolutely no other reason why one would want to end up like fried chicken beneath all that leather for free. The basics like gloves, sunglasses and a scarf will suffice. 

9. Take a stand
The scooter-makers of the world thought they had made it too easy on the customers by providing a button to start, sound horn and break...what else does one need to do while riding in any case? So, they decided to introduce this contraption called the main stand so that the scooter could stand a little straighter and sturdier. All you have to do is step on it, put all your weight onto it and yank it backwards with all your strength. Although, it is not a matter of strength but of technique. Nonetheless, you may huff and puff for 10-15 mins before you get the hang of it.

10. These Streets have too many names
The countdown has ended. You are as prepared as you will ever be. It is now time to put on that helmet, climb onto the bike, turn the key and be off on your own two wheels. The world looks different when you are in a car, as opposed to when you are walking. Similarly, the streets may look slightly alien on your first few times out on the road alone. You will get lost dozens of times, end up on a one way road facing the wrong side, get caught by the policeman for illegal parking and fall countless times (often when are absolutely stationary). What I will not describe is the feeling of racing down empty streets and arriving at a destination on time. That is for you to discover.

TIP:
* Never ride too slowly over a puddle of water

How to give yourself a haircut

I have always wanted to go from looking like this

         And this........

To this........

Here is a ten step, fool proof (not) ways to a Do It Yourself guide to giving yourself a haircut. 


1. Get a pair of scissors
It is amazing how people think just about anything else would do. It's your hair, not a coil of rope. Throw away those pen knives, yes, that 'Swiss knife' has to go as well, and other sharp implements that make you feel like it could be the one. Make sure the scissors are not rusted. And just to be sure, try cutting up different things so that once it touches your hair, there's no possibility of it going berserk.

2. Drink something fortifying
Thinking of doing something as foolhardy or as gutsy calls for an iron stomach and rose coloured lenses. Water, tea, coffee, Red Bull, just about anything you can throw up if things don't go as planned. Do not be scared yet. Remember, it will always grow back no matter how you cut it. Eating a lot of chocolate is known to infuse courage as well as instill a little sense in people.

3. Ask two friends to be witnesses/assistants/counselors
Two friends, not more not less. One person might not be able to support your weight in case you faint..er..fall.  Also, she/he might refuse to cut your hair for you in case you get the jitters. Two, on the other hand might end up fighting over who gets to wield the scissors. They will keep you confused for a couple of hours until you tell them to shut up and proceed with the hair brained...sorry...hair cutting scheme.

4. Get some sleep before the 'event'
A clear and fresh mind is a prerequisite for this endeavour. Think of it like an exam. You do not want to fall asleep in the middle of one. Make sure you are sober, lucid and wide awake. Once the scissors touch your hair, there's no going back. A snip here, and a snip there, may just end in a lot of sniffs. So, save yourself the trouble and make this decision with a clear head and hopefully your head full of hair will look fabulous.

5. Pick out a style
Do you go out to dinner without any clue as to what you feel like having? Do you not obsess over what to wear for a party, a first date or a  job interview? The same approach must be applied in this situation as well. A little bit of research goes a long way in identifying and narrowing down to the specific style you want. There are dozens of styles that you think would look fantastic. Finally, make sure you can make your hands/fingers can bend any which way to get the cut just right.

6. It does not help if you close your eyes
A soldier does not go into war with his eyes closed. A surgeon dare not operate with a blink gone wayward. A pilot would tape his eyes open at all times, if only he could. This is not a ten metre jump in the pool which requires you to shut your eyes and step off the board, for there is only one way from there....down. It would be the disaster of the year if you were to snip off your eyelashes or eyebrows by mistake. Note : your friends are not above video recording the whole deal and posting it on Youtube, so might as well look good for those 3 minutes of fame.

7. Making a Splash
Create a flashy and splashy routine whenever you enter or exit a room. The entire population of that room should get an eyeful of your new and awesome hair do, making them eat their hearts out. Practice twists and turns and pirouettes. On the other hand, just to cover all bases, practice slinking into and out of places unnoticed and unobserved.

8. Mirror Mirror on the wall

The mirror is your best friend and worst enemy. It makes that shirt look hot while the poor tee-shirt looks like it's been slept in, for a year. Once the deed is done, figure out your best mirror face and never look on the other side. Even if a tell tale tuft is seen peeking out, do not cross over to the other side. The trick lies in the angle and lighting, it's all about putting your best face forward.

9. Start with a bang...
Literally. Do not try anything more than bangs or at best a side fringe if you're feeling adventurous. Repeat to yourself -'I am not Jaaved Habib, or his student, or his protege, or in any way related to him'. Keep it simple and there are very little chances of goofing up. There must be a natural progression of things. It must be kept n mind that  trying out a fringe on somebody with curly hair is a recipe for disaster. Especially if you decide to wet the lock of hair, pull it in any direction and start cutting. It will curl up. It will look like something that should never have been tried outside a reality show or "Believe it or Not".

10. Try it on someone else first
No explanation necessary. Or is there? In the event your handiwork turns out to be amazing, people will be clamouring to get in line for your impromptu 'do'. However, if the result is less than pleasing, you know it's time to retire your shears and get a new hobby. First order of things should be to run and hide though. The person you practiced on will probably be hunting for you, presumably to relieve you of your tresses.

NOTE: I accept absolutely no responsibility for the spate of "Hey I can cut my hair too!"s

How to get through Law School

1. Get into a Law School

To get through into one of these is not as easy as it may appear nor is it as difficult as you might expect. Coaching centers are always eager to give you the appropriate training for a less than appropriate sum of money. Books, online tutorials and suchlike are dime a dozen. Enroll for one of these and be prepared to stick your nose to the grindstone for at least six months.

2. Get a pair of black and white formals

Accept it. There will be no Ally McBeal-esque tiny skirt and fitted jackets. White shirt or kurta and black trousers is your lot. You can find ways to spruce up that monochrome outfit. But that is a whole other "How To" blog.

3. Do some weight training

 To carry around those gigantic volumes and reams of papers. This will be of great help once you graduate and do the same for your seniors. Believe me, those are dumb bells cleverly disguised as books. Also, you will probably need to refer only one sentence of a long long paragraph in the chapter that takes longest to find.

4. Always sound smarter than you are 

This involves throwing around your weight and some heavy duty legal terms to confuse the opponent, whoever that may be. Like they say, if you cant convince them, confuse them. Learn some of the more hard to say words and say them really fast in the middle of the argument. You'll win hands down my friend. 

5. Develop an impenetrable stomach lining 

For the endless cups of coffee and tea you'll be gulping and the plates of samosas, biryani, pizzas, pasta, etc you will be having. It's a five year course and no one, absolutely no one spends graduation eating at the hostel. It's college and you need to develop the immunity of a horse if you are to cram in all the partying, goofing around, late night studying, last minute revisions and assignment submissions.

6. Master the art of sleeping in class while your hand pretends to take notes

I cannot stress upon the importance of this skill enough. Ideally, it should have been honed sometime around Standard X, but if you are a late bloomer...well, it's never too late. All you need is a couple of books in front of you, one hand supporting your face to prevent you from losing your teeth in a funny but humiliating accident. And the other hand to float over a notebook, appearing as if you're taking notes. (Note : not strictly applicable to only students of law. Others may try, but the author assumes no responsibility for any consequences that my arise out of this stunt).

7. Read John Grisham - you just have to. It's a matter of principle. 

Apart from great reading and thrilling plots, it will give you a sense of how law works, and how you can make it work for you. Hey, if nothing else, you may end up writing a great novel and earning millions. Although, Mr. Grisham will sue you 'to the moon and back' if you so much as think of incorporating one of his ideas into an Indian version of The Client. 

8. This is how you will look..

in your imagination...whereas in all probability, you will spend five years looking like this:-

9.  Make friends with the nearest Xerox place owner. 

You will be availing of their services a lot more than you think. Think entire notebooks, textbooks, question papers and refreshers. All this will pass through the hot lid of the copier and save your day, your marks and possibly your degree. The organisers of college fests may approach them for sponsorship and in a pinch they'll copy a 500 page text book for you to read, learn and make presentations/write an exam on that subject. 

10. Internships

They are THE key to good jobs. Chase them like a fox would chase rabbits or how you would chase a teacher to mark you present in the attendance register. The bottom line is, get summer internships. Ask your teachers, mom, dad, uncle, aunt, grandparents, friend's cousin's boyfriend's mate....anyone at all who you think will help you get one. 

Word of Advice : Do not fall asleep in a courtroom.

(pictures taken from internet and used for representational purposes only)

New in town

Mumbai, the bejeweled, slum speckled, rodent riddled and swarming with dreams, the queen of all cities!
The place you think of and shudder while hearing about the incredible population, all setting out on the local trains in the morning and converging back again, each day, year after year.

The city you learn to live with because you don't have any other choice.The tiny speck on the map, who would think how teeming your alleyways are, how sly your ways are...the silence in the crowds that is forever elusive.

A newbie is sure to fall "in love" with the roads, rains people, yawn yawn yawn. Honestly, one feels like a Lilliput in the land of Gulliver or an lone Ooopaloompa hiding behind a gigantic umbrella hoping he does not get trampled.

It has been seven months to a day since I arrived with a bag full of clothes and a heart full of apprehension. Both have grown over time.